Here are some tasty recipes that Bug has kindly cooked up for us underfed Musketeers. Just click the bulleted links that interests you, and get out the pots and pans. Enjoy!
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This is it. THE world's best chili. Don't argue with me. Don't tell me that your Uncle Vern's Vanilla-Arrowroot Vegetarian chili is better. It's not. Because this is it.
The secret is Porter beer, and a bit of cocoa powder for a suggestion of mole' sauce. Porter is a type of dark beer, not as thick as a stout like Guiness, but pretty dark. Garden-variety lager (like Budweiser. Ptui!) is not an adequate substitute. Try to get a six-pack of a good craft-brewed variety. You only need one bottle for the recipe, so you'll need to figure out what to do with the rest...
You'll need coarsely-ground meat. I find that the best texture for this is from roll of first-grind meat that your local grocery store makes -their- ground beef from. If you can't get coarsely ground pork it's not a tragedy, but the beef -must- be coarsely ground. Adapted from a recipe in the Los Angeles Times.
2 cups beef stock
2 1/2 tablespoons New Mexico chili powder
2 1/2 tablespoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon dry mustard
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon white pepper
1 teaspoon Hungarian paprika
1 teaspoon salt
1 (12-ounce) bottle porter
1 lb. ground round, preferably coarsely ground
1 lb. ground pork, preferably coarsely ground
1 small white onion, diced fine
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 (8-ounce) can tomato sauce
6 teaspoons cocoa powder
Hot pepper sauce
3 tablespoons flour
1/4 cup finely chopped red onion, optional
sour creme, optional
1 cup rice
Bring beef stock, chili powder, cumin, cayenne, mustard, bay leaves, white pepper,
paprika, salt and porter to simmer in saucepan over medium heat, about 8 minutes.
Meanwhile, tear the meat into pieces about 3/4 inch across, and brown in skillet over
medium-high heat, about 5 minutes. Transfer browned meat to simmering stock in saucepan
with a slotted spoon.
Add onion and garlic to meat juices that remain in skillet and saute' until onion is tender and translucent, about 5 minutes. Add to stock and simmer, covered, 2 hours. Stir in tomato sauce, cocoa powder and hot pepper sauce to taste, about 6 shakes. Remove 1 cup of liquid without mean from chili. Add flour and stir until smooth. Return to chili. Simmer 30 minutes.
Serve over rice, garnish with red onions if desired, and a dollop of sour creme off to one side to soothe the palate. This might be a good time to get rid of the rest of that porter...
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Here's a great barbecue sauce that is based on Green Peppers rather than tomatoes, so it's not so sweet and goopy. It's a bit spicy, and is great on chicken. It's also good on spareribs and chops. I frequently double it if I'm serving chicken for six or more.
Combine all ingredients in a pan. Cook for three minutes. Remove the lemon slices, and pour everything else into a food processor or blender. Blend just enough to get a slightly chunky texture.
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This works for either two or four people...
Swordfish is best for this, but any firm kind of fishie will do, like shark. Rub some salt into the fish, and then some virgin olive oil. Pour some vermouth around the fish (put the fish in the baking dish first, of course!), about an eighth of an inch. Put the fish in the broiler.... you need to make sure that the fish is very close to the flames, like an inch-and-a-half. After 1 minute pull the fish out and brush some melted butter on it. Throw it back in the broiler for 5 more minutes.
Remove the fish from the broiler and turn the oven off. Pour the vermouth and fishie gunk out into a little saucepan and put the fish in the oven to keep it warm. Squeeze the juice of a lemon into the saucepan and begin reducing the mixture over high heat. Have patience and let it boil down to just a little bit of fairly thick fluid. Now here's the trick: while it's boiling down get some -cold- butter from the fridge and cut four chunks off of
the cube, each about 3/8's of an inch long.
When you’ve judge that the liquid has boiled down enough throw in a chunk of butter and whisk rapidly to keep it from burning (too much). You wanna turn down the heat a bit at this point. As the butter melts away, add the next chunk ‘'til they're all gone. Then add a handful of finely chopped parsley.... mostly for color.
Pour this gunk over the fish - you won't have a lot of it but if you've done it right it should be quite tart. And there you are, a hero again! Serve as soon as possible.
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Serves four...
Here's a delightfully carnivorous recipe from our British friend Coralie Wickens. Despite the presence of the anchovies, the dominant taste is of rosemary. Go figure.
Combine anchovies, oil, vinegar and garlic in a food processor or blender to make a paste. Add rosemary and blend some more, adding more oil and vinegar if needed to make a fairly thick paste. Smear paste over both sides of the chops, and lay them out in a lightly oiled baking pan. Let them marinate in the fridge.
Fire up the broiler. When it gets hot, cook the chops under the broiler 5-7 minutes on each side, until clear juices run out. Don't overcook 'em, eh?
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Serves two to four...
Marinate chicken in mixture of oregano, garlic salt, pepper and vinegar. Heat oil in skillet, add onion and season with paprika. Cook until onion is tender. Add Cilantro Sauce, and cook two minutes. Add chicken pieces, cover, reduce heat, and cook until chicken is tender, 45 to 55 minutes. 50 minutes usually does it.
Now, for the cilantro sauce...
Combine cilantro, onion, tomatoes, green pepper, and chili in Ye Olde Food Processor and blend until smooth.
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Serves four...
Here's a nice light dish that's great for dinner guests - it's a real crowd-pleaser. Make a point of buying some decent chicken - it makes a real taste difference if you can get some free-range chicken rather than the usual grocery store fare. I've been told that there actually is cooking parchment, but dopey me went to the stationary store for it! It worked out fine, and did not poison the guests....
Preheat oven to 375. Cut four 12x12" (or a bit bigger) squares of parchment paper. Pour 1/4 teaspoon olive oil in center of a square of paper and smear it around. Throw a chicken breast on there, and season with salt, pepper, a dusting of cumin and paprika, parsley and lemon juice. Add vegetables on top, and gather the four corners of the paper together and tie with the twine. You can do everything up to this point up to 2 hours in advance and throw 'em in the refrigerator.
Place the bundles on a cooking sheet, and cook 30-35 minutes. Let your guests unwrap their own package.
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Bug Presents: How to Get Laid - A Guide for Guys
It boils down to one word: cook. That's right, women love it when a man cooks for them. This text assumes you are a typical guy, which is to say, a complete idiot in the kitchen. Here's what's for dinner:
Peppered Steak with Lemon/Butter Dipping Sauce
Baked Potatoes
Green Salad
As with any new recipe, you want to try this out once before you subject the object of
your affections to it. Either halve the recipe and make it for yourself, or make one of
your male friends eat it with you. Oh, and make sure she eats red meat when you DO ask her
over!
SPECIAL EQUIPMENT
SHOPPING LIST
2 tenderloin filets, 1 inch thick. You will probably have to ask the butcher to cut them
for you, as few markets will have thick enough filets already cut. Make sure they're
exactly the same thickness!
Whole peppercorns
Worcestershire Sauce
salt
2 sticks unsalted butter
1 lemon
2 large russet potatoes
1 bag of salad greens. Get the dark mixture of greens, not iceberg
lettuce!
2 or 3 carrots
1 red pepper
1 onion
2 different kinds of bottled salad dressing - give her a choice!
Wine. Yes, wine, you baboon! Find out what kind she prefers, and be prepared to spend a
few dollars more for a better bottle.
PROCEDURES
You want to do as much as you can ahead of time, so you can spend your time looking into
her eyes and pouring wine, instead of rushing around in the kitchen. Wash the carrots and
the pepper, and chop them for the salad. Finely chop a small amount of onion, too. Put the
salad vegetables in a plastic bag, and put them in the refrigerator. Wash the potatoes,
and put one nail in each down the length of the spud. Leave a little bit of the head of
the nail protruding to make it easier to remove when you serve them. Poke a few holes in
the potatoes with a fork - this keeps them from exploding when cooked.
Crush peppercorns. A lot of peppercorns. You're going to press these into the steak, and
you should have enough to have a solid layer of them equal in area to the steaks. Crushing
these damned things will remind you that the sphere is the strongest shape in nature. When
I started making this, I spread out half the bottle of peppercorns and thought I'd easily
crush them with a rolling pin. Ha! It was futile. The best way to crush them is to scatter
20 or 30 peppercorns over the surface of your cutting board, then whack them with the
mallet, targeting them in groups of two or three. Repeat. Here's where you'll appreciate
the hard plastic cutting board: sometimes the peppercorns are quite hard, and will
actually get driven into a wooden cutting board! Keep at it - you'll spend quite a bit of
time bludgeoning the poor little darlings. You can also crush them with a mortar and
pestle designed for crushing herbs, but it's just as fast to use the method described
above. Besides, whacking the hell out of the peppercorns with the mallet introduces some
noisy violence into the proceedings, and that's always fun.
Roll the lemon on the counter under your hands, with lots of pressure to soften up the insides, then squeeze the juice from the lemon. Make sure there are no seeds in the juice, and set aside. Everything up to this point can be (and should be!) done in advance. Oh, and set the table, too.
When your date arrives at your elegant bachelor pad, preheat the oven to 365 degrees. When the oven heats up, put the potatoes in. In my oven, they cook for an hour and 15 minutes - maybe a bit less in yours. In any case, it's better to overcook potatoes rather than undercook them. Set the timer for 55 minutes, and commence being charming. When the timer goes off, it's time for the main event. Reset the timer for 20 minutes, and invite your date into the kitchen to sit and watch the master chef at work. Put a skillet big enough for both steaks over very high heat, and sprinkle a fair amount of salt over the bottom. Spread the peppercorns out on your cutting board in the shape of the steaks, and press the steaks into them. Carefully turn them over, push together the remaining peppercorns, and press them into the other side.
When the salt in the pan starts to brown, put the steaks in. At this point, billows of smoke arise from the pan. The smoke alarm goes off. The cat flees to the outdoors, and the dog whines and hides under the bed. This is normal. Do not be alarmed. You will cook the steak about 7 to 8 minutes on each side.
Put a small saucepan over low heat, and throw in one stick of butter, and the lemon juice. When the butter melts, add Worcestershire sauce - about one tablespoon. Taste it, and add more if you want. It should be tart and spicy, a nice brownish color.
Turn the steaks at 7 minutes or so. Put the salad greens in bowls, top with the chopped
vegetables, and put them on the table. About six minutes into cooking this side, cut into
one of the steaks to check to see if it's done. This is the critical judgement call, as
the steaks will go from quite raw inside to just right in only a minute, so keep checking.
When the steaks are done, remove from heat immediately, and put them on the plates with
the potatoes. Pour the dipping sauce into the little cups, and serve. Damn, it's good!
You're gonna get laid for sure, dude.
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Serves about four...
Sure, it sounds weird, but it's awfully good, and goes together quickly for those weeknight dinners. It really helps to buy good-quality sausage. If you don't make your own chicken stock, get a brand that is not too salty. I like a frozen concentrate called "Rich Stock," and use Hain's brand when I can't get that.
Heat oil over medium heat in a 4-6 quart stock pot. Add sausage and onions and cook, stirring occasionally with wooden spoon to crumble sausage, until onions are transparent, about 10 minutes.
Add broth, tomatoes, green pepper and basil and bring to boil. Add pasta and salt to taste. Reduce heat to low and simmer, partly covered, until pasta is tender, about 25 minutes.
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Makes 8 servings; less, if folks are hungry...
Here's my favorite cold-weather soup. It's good right out of the pot, and even better the next day. The spiciness can be varied by how much cilantro you use. I usually use a good deal more than called for here...
If you're really cool you'd use your own beef broth, but I just use the canned variety (it helps to find a brand like Hain's that isn't too salty) and cover the cans with paper towels in the trash can so my guests think I made it myself!
Combine bread cubes and milk, and mix with ground beef, chorizo, egg and some salt and pepper. Chill 30 minutes. Combine all the vegetables, canned tomato stuff and broth in a large kettle. Bring to a boil, cover, reduce heat to simmer and cook 15 minutes.
Remove half the meat mixture from the refrigerator at a time, shaping this goop into meatballs, 1 to 1 1/2 inches in diameter. It's easier to handle when it's cold. Add to soup, cover, and simmer 45 minutes, or until meat is done. Adjust seasoning - a bit of pepper usually helps.
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Yields enough for 2-4...
1 tablespoon cracked black peppercorns
1 tablespoon ground white pepper
1 tablespoon coarse salt
4 garlic cloves, minced or pressed
1 1/2 teaspoons mustard seeds, cracked in mortar
1 1/2 teaspoons dried Mexican oregano, crushed
1 teaspoon ground cumin seeds
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1/2 teaspoon dried crushed red pepper
1/4 cup olive oil
4 6ounce beef tenderloin steaks
Combine all ingredients (except the steak) in small bowl. Then rub mixture over both
sides of steaks. Cover and refrigerate at least 1 hour and up to overnight.
Prepare barbecue or preheat broiler. Grill or broil steak to desired doneness, about 4
minutes per side for medium-rare.
That's all folks!. View or Download the Full Text Version (note: excludes Chili and Pepper Steak recipes)